Just for Fun!
A collection of Humor for your Amusement



Equine Definitions & Terms

 

Selections from the "Horseman's Dictionary"

"Bog Spavin" - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses that throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

"Colt" - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

"Contracted foot" - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

"Drench" - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.

"Endurance ride" - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

"Equitation" - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crow hop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.

"Feed" - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure

"Fences" - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).

"Flies" - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

"Founder" - 1.) The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er." 2.) Founder: A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner

"Gallop" - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn

"Gates" - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

"Grooming" - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

"Grooms" - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

"Hay" - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

"Head Tosser" - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.

"Heaves" - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

"Hobbles" - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

"Hoof Pick" - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

"Inbreeding" - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.

"Jumping" - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

"Lameness" - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

"Lead Rope" - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

"Lungeing" - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

"Manure spreader" - Horse traders

"Mosquitoes" - Radar equipped blood-sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.

"Mustang" - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

"Parasites" - Small children that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

"Pinto" - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean gray horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.

"Pony" - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.

"Proud Flesh" - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.

"Quarter Cracks" - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.

"Race" - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

"Rasp" - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

"Reins" - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

"Ringworms" - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

"Sacking out" - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

"Saddle" - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

"Saddle Sore" - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

"Sleeping Sickness" - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

"Splint" - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

"Stall" - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.

"Tack Room" - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place, which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

"Twisted Gut" - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

"Vet Catalog" - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.

"Withers" - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

"Yearling" - The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.

"Young stock" - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

The Manual of Appropriate Behavior (According to Your Horse!)

1- SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is you duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

2- NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially very late at night.

3- STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. But keep stomping.

4- CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.

5- BEDDING: It is good manners to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

6- DINING: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two-year-old, right?).

7- DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is an opportunity for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will happily chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

8- HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a big hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over. They won't notice this if you carefully arrange little piles of dirt. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

9- GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss, and impresses your human.

10- NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.

11- PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!

12- VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, advance swiftly, stamp your feet, and neigh louder to show your concern.

Murphy's Horse Laws

If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, you can be assured that your truck will break down.!

There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat!

No one ever notices how you ride, until you fall off.!

The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month!

A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.

Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.

Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished.

Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.

If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, You didn't.

One horse isn't enough, two is too many.

If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes", you will get dirty.

You can't push a horse on a lunge line.

If a horse is advertised "under $5,000, you can bet he isn't $2,500.

The number of horses you own increases, according to the number of stalls in your barn.

An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough training.

You can't run a barn without baling twine.

Hoof picks migrate.

Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.

There is no such thing as the "right feed."

If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.

If you're winning, QUIT!

Definitions ... From the Horse's Point of View

ARENA: A place where humans can take all the fun out of forward motion.

CROSSTIES: Gymnastic apparatus

DRESSAGE: A process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.

GRAIN: The sole virtue of domestication.

A JUMP: An opportunity for self-expression.

FENCE: A device to protect good grazing areas.

STALL DOOR LATCH: A type of puzzle.

FARRIER: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.

TRAINER: An Like owner but with mob connections.

RIDER: An owner overstepping its bounds.

BUCKING: A counter-irritant.

HITCHING RAIL: A means by which to test one's strength.

How Do You . . .? Quick Cures for Common Problems

To induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.

To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.

To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.

To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.

To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.

To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.

To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.

To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.

To get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.

To induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.

To make it rain? Mow a field of hay.

To make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one!


 

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