If I falter, push me.
If I stumble, help me up.
If I retreat, shoot me.
~Motto of the French Foreign Legion
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, try reading the instructions.
I think therefore I am ... I think.
I think therefore I am ... hungry.
I think therefore I am ... confused.
I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.
"I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times,
the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right," said Albert
Einstein. Let tenacity be your guide.
Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm
not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein
Light travels faster than sound. This is why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I took an IQ test and the results came back negative. Negative results
are good, right?
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...
Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you
Sometimes I think well. And sometimes I think: Oh well...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. I guess I just can't make up
I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.
I'm serious. It was a joke.
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going
to do with it?
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me
and brings me back.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said: The whole time.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Trouble's always a good shot, and in my case it has a laser sight.
People in glass houses should always wear clothes.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.
When you fall off a horse don't get back on because the horse probably
doesn't like you.
No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
Look over there, you can hear them plain as day.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841."
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. Napoleon Bonaparte
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
There's no future in time travel.
I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs.
You're just jealous cause the voices only talk to me.
Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
I like children. Properly cooked. W.C. Fields
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full public view.
Rehab is for quitters.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Somebody who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
To err is human. And stupid.
Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really are after you.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.
High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're
probably in the wrong lane.
Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole!
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
Is there another word for synonym?
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Rather die living than live to die.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat)
If two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
Bald Guys never have a bad hair day.
Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
Fungus is actually alive. Be afraid.
90% of all statistics are made up
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
Never try to lick a glacier for some moisture.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
He who knows little quickly tells it. -Italian Proverb
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period
of time. -Rush Limbaugh
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. -Groucho Marx
Getting what they deserve doesn't satisfy many people.
Some folks sit and think, others just sit.
If you are unkind, you are the wrong kind!
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an
empty desk mean?
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can beat him repeatedly
with a rolled up newspaper.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Surprise your friends, burn their houses down.
Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but
paddle like the devil underneath. Jacob Braude
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
This is my favorite time of day. Well, there it goes.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm".
It is nice to be important, but it's more important
to be nice.
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards. Spanish
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Most people do very efficiently what needs not be done at all.
Photons have mass!?? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
The easiest person to deceive is yourself.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Deja moo = "I swear that's the exact same cow we passed about six
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If cats are so afraid of getting wet, why are they always licking themselves?
I'm not only weird, I'm gifted too!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is probhibited?
An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support.
The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting
on your pants.
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum!
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. P. Erdos
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy's Laws
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
"What if this weren't a hypothetical question?"
Always imitate the behavior of winners when you lose.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
Any man who knows all the answers most likely misunderstood the questions.
Strangers have the best candy.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Don't put all your pigs in one basket. It'll get really heavy.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Gravity... not just a good idea: It's the LAW!
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
Give some people an inch and they think they are rulers.
Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.
The future ain't what it used to be.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable
application of high explosives.
Time's fun when you're having flies. -- Kermit the Frog
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If you cannot get what you like, why not try to like what you get?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the
"Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes..." - Kirk
"Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
I say no to drugs, They just don't listen...
Old Celts never die. They just have harp failure.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I go to bed early. My favorite dream starts at nine.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's
kinda hard to keep em' lit.
I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."
The hardest part of skating is the ice
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Statisticians know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet
in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good-on the average.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.
I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my own good
If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd
Of all the things I've loved and lost, I miss my mind the most
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.-A. Whitney Brown
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
You have two of the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. Well, at
least one of them anyway. -Groucho Marx
I had a great afternoon, and a wonderful night. Unfortunately, neither
of them happened today. -Groucho Marx
People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Sleep... Oh! how I loathe those little slices of death... -Longfellow
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow,
...how cold will it be?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe
you. But if you tell him a parkbench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure.
I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken.
If you think education is expensive, Try Ignorance!!! --Andy McIntyre
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
You might as well take all of me - the parts you want aren't removable.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
You're so open-minded, your brains must have fallen out
If you can't convince them, confuse them. Harry S Truman
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Never try to teach a pig to sing; you'll frustrate yourself and annoy
It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
A Smith & Wesson ALWAYS beats 4 Aces.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don't you think it's a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. Groucho
Plagiarism saves time.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
Virtue is it's own punishment.
Avoid reality at all costs.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said: Cut it out!
Money is the root of all wealth.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will
leave a stain.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
A good pun is its own reword.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
All general statements are false.
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. -Albert Einstein
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
Someday is not a day of the week.
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
How can there be self-help groups?
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
Room service? Send up a larger room! -- Groucho Marx
I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
668: the neighbor of the beast.
0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast
1010011010 -- Binary of The Beast
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
they be called builts?
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there
is nothing in it.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Never forget that 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Sure, the truth hurts, but so does a machete.
I'm an enigma, or am I?
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
There's no danger so pressing that it couldn't be worse
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to
Perversity of Nature Law
If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten.
Don't you hate it when life throws you a curveball and you forget to duck?
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
Young's Law: All great discoveries are made by mistakes.
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
If you love something. . .set it free. . .if it doesn't come back. . .hunt
it down and kill it.
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you actually look forward to the trip.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
My door says, "Go ahead and knock, I'm already disturbed."
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use
By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
Love at first sight is rather pointless without love at second sight,
and third, and fourth...
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.
Ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are pedestrians.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly
realized I was talking to myself.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
'You want us to do WHAT?' - Ancient Chinese wall engineer.
He's about as subtle as a chainsaw, but lacking the social grace.
The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going
to blame it on you.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Does your butt hurt? Because I have been staring at it for the past half
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,
What is this, some kind of joke?
That was Zen. this is Tao.
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering
if there really is a dog...
Make God laugh - plan for the future.
When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called
And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
"Atheists have no invisible means of support."
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Winston S. Churchill (1874-1965)
"Trust in God, but lock your car."
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be
Light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the
evolutionists try and figure this one out.
God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I'm so far behind I will never die!
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually produce a masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet, we
know this is not true."
Boys will be boys... and so will a lot of middle aged men!
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer
you stay the more wrinkled you get.
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting
to get into the bathroom." -- Bob Hope
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea - massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind
- boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. - Gene Spafford,1992
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverb
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and
get back to you.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through
snow. - Jeff Valdez
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful. - Ann Landers
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Vuja De: That feeling you've never been here before.
Don't cry over spilt milk, it makes it salty for the cats.
WARNING: I cannot be help responsible for the above, as apparently my
cats have learned how to type.
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
When 900 years old you reach, look as good, you will not. - Yoda
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be
when you kill them.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented
the other three, he was the genius.
We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.
I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story...
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. -Joseph
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a
baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
You are what you eat.
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray
and the blinking red light.
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you.
I have a banana in my ear.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me,
it's the sudden stop at the end.
I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely
Calm down-it's only ones and zeros.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to
buy them again.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed...
Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me
running, try to keep up.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable,
as one's hat keeps blowing off.
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art
in another medium and I should not destroy it.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other
trees make fun of it?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why doesn't DOS ever say: EXCELLENT command or filename?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
Does a person ever get sick without being tired?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment
but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How can there be self-help GROUPS?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I doubt therefore I might be.
We've Upped Our Quality, So Up Yours!
Why are you here, and what can I do to change that?
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert
Carpe diem - Sieze the day; Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants!
If you're not living life on the edge, your wasting space.
If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who
passed up chocolate dessert.
The trouble with work is... it's so daily.
They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Your mind is like a taco: the more you cram into it, the more that's going
to fall out.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Patience will come to he who waits for it.
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." -Batman Costume
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was
H20 was H2SO4.
Socialism and Fascism are for people who like their dictatorships obvious.
I wish life had an UNDO function.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!
Give blood - play hockey.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why am I frowning? It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and
I need the exercise!
Above all else: Sky.
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
100% of studies show that if you don't eat, you'll get hungry.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts
Don't squat with your spurs on or play leapfrog with a unicorn.
The road to life is always under construction!!
"I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are."
"Go, and never darken my towels, again" -Groucho, in "Duck
"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds
The heart of a fool is in his mouth. But the mouth of a wise man is in
Only those who live dangerously can rejoice fully.
No one can make a brand new start but you can start now and make a brand
I'm not completly crazy! Some parts are still missing.
You can't fall off the floor.
Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture
I find that a great way to deal with a crisis is to act like a deranged,
No matter where you are, there you are!
Give life your best, it will return the favor
"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been
hurt, and dance like nobody's watching."
Few things in life are as satifying as seeing your own children have teenagers
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the
proper order then why can't he?
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty. -Vroomfondel
His only brother was long ago nibbled to death by an okapi.
Relax and Enjoy Your Shoes!
Well, I wish you'd just tell me, rather than try to engage my enthusiasm.
I haven't got one.
You want me to suck your towel?
I think the only reason I waste my breath on you is that being dead I
don't have any other use for it.
Know what I'm thinking? No.
Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?
I thought it was that the planet was going to be invaded by a gigantic
swarm of twelve-foot piranha bees.
Do you prefer Spanish, French or Italian cooking? I don't mind. I want
a boiled egg.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either
of them being made.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Whoever said money can't buy everything didn't know where to shop.
We reserve the right to arm bears.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Gravity always wins.
A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
How to become immortal: Read this again tomorrow and follow its advice.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents
were created for.
Taste is the enemy of creativity.
I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. - Theodore
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
- Woody Allen.
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. - Voltaire
Let us endeavour to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker
will be sorry. - Mark Twain
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham
Never say 'OOPS!' always say 'Ah, Interesting!'
Statistics say 1 out of every 4 people are crazy, check 3 friends, if
they are ok, you're it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
He who laughs, lasts.
Life is tough, get a helmet.
Be like a postage stamp - stick to one thing until you get there.
Drink varnish and you'll get a lovely finish.
Take the road not taken - the leaves crunch that much louder!
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Price. Quality. Service: Pick two.
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will
be unbearable." -In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
strict rotation." In a Rhodes tailor shop
If life was a box of chocolates, it'd be pretty
If too much love will kill you, I'm the healthiest person in the world.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid
Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Dieting: Wishful shrinking.
I just got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory.
I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long.
Plan ahead: It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Life is a bowl full of cherries, but mine only contains the pits.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Black holes were created when God divided by 0.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Assassins do it from behind.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I am having an out of money experience.
Save time... see it my way.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through...
Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. - If you can read this, you're
Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it
faster, too. -Lionel Kauffman
It's been lovely, but I must scream now.
If I want your opinion... I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Wood's Incomplete Maxims: All's well that ends. A penny saved is
a penny. Don't leave things unfinishe.
Ah, mind-taxing time again, is it? -Marvin
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
"I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on top shows
a lack of confidence." -Doug McLeod
A guy walks into a bar... and says: Ouch.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
Under these clothes, I'm as naked as a bee.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a
mummy. Forget it little friend.
It's your life, I'm just passing through.
It said: 'Insert disk 3...' but only 2 fit in the drive.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
My mind has always been my Achilles heel.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Blessed is he who sits on a pin, for he will rise again.
Being superstitious brings bad luck.
Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers.
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?
Push to test... Release to detonate.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people THINK you are.
I'll live forever or die trying
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. - Marvin
If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit
me. - Zaphod Beeblebrox
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls
and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
The secret to finding something is knowing where it is
"Don't MAKE me come down there" - God
I may be inconsistent, but not all the time.
I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
May your trouble be like the old man's teeth... few and far between.
A language is a dialect with an army.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant.
The population is growing.
Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of.
'God is dead.' - Nietzsche 'Nietzsche is dead' - God
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.
Today is the tomorrow you were so worried about yesterday!
A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got
If we quit voting will they all go away?
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
My God is alive - sorry about yours.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
May you live as long as you want - and never want as long as you live.
People who are wrapped up in themselves make very small packages.
If it weren't for caffeine I'd have no personality whatsoever!
Courage atrophies from lack of use.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If you broke it, blame the closest person
Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry
I like nonsense, it awakens the brain cells.
Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired.
It's only fun if you can get in trouble.
The only real difference between me and everyone else is DNA. The rest
is just politics.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
The secret to life is that there is no secret.
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.
Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
It ain't necessarily so. -Gershwin's Law
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one
where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor." -From a brochure
of a car rental firm in Tokyo
art is a lie which makes you realize the truth...picasso
Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't.
Words are cheap, but you can't buy them back!
All that is free, cost something later.
Smith&Wesson, the original Point And Click Interface
Dance like nobody's watching.... We all need a laugh now and then.
A father carries pictures where his money used
This life is a test, only a test. If it had been real you would
have received further instructions on where to go and what to do!
In three words I can sum up everything I've
learned about life: it goes on... -Robert Frost
My karma ran over your dogma.
The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are useless: peacocks
and lilies, for instance.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.
Time spent with cats is never wasted.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are god.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a
way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
I locked my coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one
is there to appreciate it.
Your friend is the one who knows all about you and still likes you.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Most people deserve each other.
Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.
Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
Bad habits are like comfortable bed... easy to get into, but hard to get
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye
Common sense isn't
Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
A chat with you, and death loses its sting!
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for
the rest of the day.
The cigarette does the smoking, you're just the sucker.
Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
"Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another." -Ambrose Bierce
"Luck can't last a lifetime unless you
die young." -Russel Banks
"A clear conscience is a continual Christmas" - Benjamin Franklin
I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and
he got away.
He who throws mud loses ground.
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
Taste is the enemy of creativity. - Pablo Picasso
Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of.
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. Albert
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
A man's house is his hassle.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Happiness is like a precious Ming vase balanced on the head of
a dancing drunk.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried