Jokes & More
Evidence that Martha Stewart has
visited your Stable
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8.The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters
and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for
nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme-colored Virgin
wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.
Manual on Worming your Horse
1) Buy wormer paste.
2) Capture the wild beast -a.k.a- the horse.
3) Firmly grip lead rope in left/right hand (whichever you do not write
4) With your other hand insert wormer tube.
5) Pick yourself up off the ground and ask someone to hold your horse
while you go to the emergency room to have your dislocated shoulder looked
6) Repeat steps 1-4, but duck this time as the back hooves somehow go
flying past your head.
7) As your legs get twisted in the rope, try to stand up, only to have
your legs pulled out from under you.
8) As soon as you spit out ALL the dirt you just ate, jump up and grab
9) Ponder why this is not working.
10) Repeat steps 1-4 and 6, but this time go home, change into a shirt
that does not have apple- flavored wormer paste all over it and proceed
to go to the feed store and buy another tube.
11) When you get back to the barn, see the manager's 10-year-old son walking
over to you.
12) Let him take the worming tube from your hand, and watch in disbelief
as he worms your horse without getting a single spot of the paste on himself,
and there is no dirt on his face, and he's not in the emergency room.
13) Put your horse back in the barn and go home to your nice warm bed.
PICKUP TRUCKS pulling horse trailers began to converge
at the county fair. An obviously frustrated woman was trying to turn a
trailer around, maneuvering it back and forth between a bank on one side
of the narrow road and a ditch on the other. Traffic came to a halt.
A man got out of his car, walked up to the window of the truck and said,
"Take your time. Everyone has a bad day now and then."
"You think this is bad?" the woman retorted. "I forgot
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life in These
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some
bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened
with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a
profit of $898."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
Should You keep the
Husband or the Horse?
- Husbands cost less to shoe than horses.
- Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even
mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
- A lame husband can still work.
- You don't have to chase them to get them to come
- If your husband gets a stomach ache you don't have
to walk him all night.
- Husbands may run up bills but they also help pay
- Husbands load easily into your vehicle.
- Husbands don't have to be fitted with saddles.
- You don't have to clip or bath them or trim their
- Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your
- Husbands don't panic - running and yelling all through
the house when you leave them alone.
- Husbands don't like the lady next door just as well
as you, just because she feeds him treats every day.
THE HORSE'S ADVANTAGE:
- You never have to iron their clothes.
- You never have to divorce them you can just sell
- Clothing repairs do not require sewing, just duct
- You never have to share the TV or Computer with them.
- You can force them to stay in good physical condition.
- They may turn grey but NEVER go bald.
- They don't come with in-laws.
- They understand restraint.
- They don't care what you look like as long as you
have a carrot or an apple.
- A simple fence keeps them in their OWN pasture.
- They never leave the lid up on the bathroom stool.
- They don't burp or keep you up all night snoring.
List of New Year's Resolutions
1. I will NOT stop to poop or pee every time I pass the same spot
in the arena.
2.I will NOT leave when my handler drops the lead.
3. My stall is NOT my litter box- when I have free access to my paddock
I will NOT go inside to pee.
4. I will NOT roll in the arena during a halter class.
5. I will NOT leap over non-existent obstacles when the whim strikes me.
6. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
7. I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
8. I promise also NOT to answer Nature's call at that particular time.
9. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it's there.
10. I will NOT confuse my human's hair with really soft hay.
11. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back (or front) of my human's
12. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
13. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off of any human in a one-mile radius.
14. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over
and my legs straight out pretending I can't hear my human frantically
screaming "Are you alright??"
15. I will NOT chase my pasture mates into the electric fence just to
see if it's on.
16. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while
my human is cleaning my room.
17. I can walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
19. I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't. I won't. I won't.
20. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I will NOT eat or
remodel the new barn and fences.
21. I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battlesteed. I will NOT act like one.
22. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look
like a freak.
23. I accept that not every carrot is for me.
24. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus
Monster breathes at me.
25. I will NOT jump into the air and turn 180 degress every time I see
a deer- they are NOT carnivorous.
26. I WILL love my human unconditionally. Because they love ME that way!
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL story..............
When you are tense, let me teach you that there
are dragons in the forest, and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture
for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly,
in the 40+ acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH
faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet,
because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI
complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you
about those dragons in the forest!
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200lbs of a YAHOO-let's-go
horse can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning
of "Veterinary Services".
When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.