Just for Fun!
A collection of Humor for your Amusement



Horse-Aholics Anonymous Humor!

 

Recently I purchased and installed "Horse 1.0".

I soon noticed that this program appears to have many glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run "Feed 5.3" and "Water 7.1".

Many times I've been in the middle of an important document and a window will flash, telling me to run "Clean Stall 2.0". This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as "Manure 8.5", however they were auto-installed with "Horse 1.0". Applications such as "Vacation 2.7" and "Free Time 10.0" can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that "Horse 1.0" has attached itself to programs like "Finance Manager" and "MS Money", with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket".

Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of "Horse 1.0" for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall "Horse 1.0" numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get a warning message telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system.

Please Help!!!

THE REPLY: Dear User, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that "Horse 1.0" is a mere "utilities and entertainment program" It is NOT--it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed "Horse 1.0" here are a few tips on how to make it run better: ---

If you are annoyed by the applications "Feed 5.3" and "Water 7.1", you may run "C:/HIRE HELP", however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result
in "Feed 5.3" and "Water 7.1" being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the answer to avoid "Feed 5.3" and "Water 7.1".

You will find that when you boot your computer again a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid computer of "Colic 4.2" is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.0" which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial! Otherwise, "Colic 4.2" will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Finally, it is important that you run "C:/Carrots" and "C:/Scratch Ears" on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.

Sincerely, Tech Support

AND then... I knew all about this - but you didn't mention that when the "In-Stall" program crashes you are left with crap being left all over your desktop and your properties are destroyed. This is especially bad if you are up to Horses 4.0 as I am.

Hi. I AM a Horse-Aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's online meeting of Horse-Aholics Anonymous. You may be sitting there thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help. It is not easy to realize that you are a Horse-Aholic, and even harder to bring yourself to an "HA" meeting for help. "HA" is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to try to determine if you can be helped.

1. Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?
2. Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)
3. Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?
4. Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?
5. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is 'State Line Tack'?
9. Do you often have barn boots on porch facing the barn?
10. Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?
11. Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty syringe covers?
12. Do you worry about paying your monthly feed-bill before you think of paying your electric bill?
13. When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and pity them if the answer is none?
14. Do you remember the name of a great-great-great-grandsire when you can't remember your own Great grandfather's name?
15. Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?
16. Do you find non-horse people boring?
17. Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?
18. Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of horses?
19. Does you halter collection include more than four foal halters, all the same size?
20. Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?

    If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and tell her "I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is ok."
    If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous, now!!! You will qualify eventually anyway.
    If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable. My advice to those who, like me, are incurable is as follows..... Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends, better horses, and it will never be boring!

You Know You're a Horse Person When...

Your horse gets shoes more often than you.

Your husband does something nice for you and you say "good boy" and pat him on the neck.

You are trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead.

You patch your mud boots with duct tape and slog through knee deep mud to get hay to your horse, who has commandeered the ONLY dry spot for miles.

You show up in city clothes dressed for appointments and when you get there people reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.

You get up at 5am every morning while your in college, drive 10 miles to the barn, feed, muck stalls, ride, and rush back to your 10am class smelling like a barn without complaining. No one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and purses...that's okay because then you'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them, anyway!

You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food...

Your secretary does a "hay check" on your suit each morning and your first stop in the office is the ladies room to remove the shavings from your shoes.

You buy about 15 lbs. of carrots a week, but wouldn't eat a carrot if somebody paid you.

Your non-horsy friend gives you a funny look after glancing into the back seat of your car, and you realize he's noticed your whips and spurs.

You say "whoa" to the dog.

You pass up attractive social invitations because they'd conflict with your lesson schedule.

The back of your station wagon is an auxiliary tack box.

Your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and the dog.

You don't even want to think about how your car would be paid for, your mortgage would be much smaller, and you might have some savings if you didn't have horses.

You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician

You pull change from your pocket at work, and hay falls all over.

You cannot imagine why anyone would think it kinky to own whips. .

The real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for, and you say, "More than six acres."

You save the hoof shavings for the dog.

You yell at the kids, and the horse's name pops out.

On rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.

You stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.

When you have more pictures of your horses in your office than you have of your family

Your horse seems the right choice when you need to talk something out with someone.

You can find your boots in the dark by the aroma.

You know more about equine nutrition than human nutrition.

You get a little whiff of the smell of leather and breathe deeper to get the full impact.

Every time you go to the stable, it takes 3 hours and you can't imagine where the time went.

There are bits soaking in your bathroom sink.

You save every horse magazine you have ever bought.

You drive by ANY field ANYWHERE and look very hard for horses.

Your horse gets vitamins and supplements everyday and you can't remember to take vitamins yourself.

When the doctor tells you "it's serious, but you will live", your first question is: "How long will it be until I can ride?

The Saga of Horse Ownership

A friend gives you a horse...

You build a small shelter...$750

You fence in a paddock...$450

Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000

Purchase a 2-horse trailer...$2,800

Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500

Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000

More fencing...$1,200

Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000

Purchase 4-horse trailer...$17,500

Purchase larger truck...$23,000

Purchase 4 acres next door...$38,000

More fencing...$2,000

Build small barn...$18,000

Purchase camper for truck...$9,000

Purchase tractor...$23,000

Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500

Purchase 20 acres...$285,000

Build house...$185,000

Build barn...$56,000

More fencing & corrals...$24,000

Build covered arena...$182,000

Purchase Dually...$44,000

Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$45,000

Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750

Hire full time trainer...$50,000

Build house for trainer...$84,000

Buy motor home for shows...$125,000

Hire attorney -- spouse leaving you for trainer...$35,000

Declare bankruptcy, spouse gets everything.

Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....

Top Ten Exercises to Become a Better Horseman...

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: " See, hon, moving hay bales is FUN! " and, "no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place"

4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, " This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.

 


 

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